Are you an over-apologizer? It might be OCD.
Over-apologizing is a seemingly benign behavior. Those of us who do it consistently hear from our loved ones “Stop apologizing!” “You didn’t do anything!” “You are fine!” Why is it that we just can’t resist saying we are sorry?
The reason for many is that apologizing is a compulsion related to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In this form of OCD, we have an obsessive thought that we did something wrong, usually related to a core fear that we are a bad person. We feel compelled to ‘correct’ ourselves or neutralize our fear.
For someone with OCD, apologizing is rarely just one statement, but rather becomes profuse and continuous apologizing. This ritual usually finds its root in moral scrupulosity, which is another dimension of OCD wherein someone is continuously evaluating if they are moral or good.
This ritual doesn’t need to be related to actual wrongdoing. Over-apologizers can even find themselves apologizing for the mistakes of others or even forces of nature beyond their control. Once I hit a car in the Whole Foods parking lot. While I was taking a few deep breaths and dealing with my own guilt and shame, I realized that my 11 year old in the backseat was profusely apologizing… for my accident! This is OCD.
An apology can be a quick fix to our internal distress. “I’m sorry” is a form of temporarily soothing ourselves. However, the discomfort is rarely neutralized for long. The apologies keep coming until the person with OCD feels like they can truly atone for their wrongdoing (another impossible task).
So what is the treatment? LIke most presentations of OCD, over-apologizing can be best treated through Exposure Response Prevention (ERP). In this case, the apology is the compulsion, so we must provoke the desire to apologize but then resist the urge to apologize. While this sounds simple, for many, the discomfort provoked is so great that we must create a hierarchy of distress and work up to this goal.
The good news, however, is that over-apologizing is a highly treatable presentation of OCD. We don’t need to be caught in cycles of fear and we do not need to be constantly asking for forgiveness for everything and for nothing at all.
