Fellow ADHD parents: Let’s avoid these 6 phrases
Sometimes we parents are intentional, thoughtful, and attuned. Other times, our brains are scattered with the multiple demands of modern parenting. We are putting away dishes, on hold with the insurance company, and trying to remember when we last checked “Infinite Campus” for our kiddos missing assignments… and these common and unhelpful phrases slip out.
Here are the parenting phrases that I hope ADHD parents (including myself) avoid:
1. What has gotten into you?
The thing that has “gotten into” our kids is a poor connection between the cerebral cortex and the amygdala. Put simply: once the amygdala (our fight, flight, freeze mechanism) is triggered, the thinking brain has difficulty regaining control. While neurotypical children might be able to coach themselves to take a few deep breathes and reconsider their emotions, most ADHD kiddos get overwhelmed and stuck. None of us are “ourselves” when our amygdala is triggered.
2. Calm down!
Similar to #1: most ADHD kiddos experience emotional dysregulation. In fact, many ADHD experts want this to be added as a core symptom for diagnosis, alongside the current trio of attention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity (for some). Telling an ADHD kiddo to calm down usually only increases frustration. Our kiddos also wish to feel peace and calm, but their brains can get in the way.
3. Act your age!
Some parts of ADHD brains mature on a three-year lag. This phenomenon has been well documented. The ADHD maturity gap can be seen on brain scans. Doctors have found that ADHD kiddos will eventually arrive at the same maturity level as neurotypicals, but parents need to recalibrate the timeline of their expectations.
4. Let it go!
ADHD kiddos have a tendency to hyperfocus. Ironically, while poor focus can be a challenge for ADHDers, they also have the ability to really dig in when they care about something. On a good day, this hyperfocus can present as passion! On a bad day, hyperfocus can appear like toxic stuckness. Asking kiddos to “Let it go” when their brains are fighting the opposite battle can be frustrating for both parents and child.
5. If you just tried harder…
Unfortunately, most ADHD kids hear this phrase constantly. Many come to believe that they are lazy at a very early age. Few teachers can resist chiding ADHDers for what they perceive to be a lack of effort. ADHD is not an effort problem.
When you see your child do something that is hard for them, give them positive reinforcement for their effort. It doesn’t matter if it seems like a small effort to you. ADHD parenting requires a recalibration of our biases.
6. Why can’t you just listen to me the first time?
Of course, we know that not being able to pay attention to verbal instructions is a core symptom of ADHD. Nonetheless, most of us parents still get annoyed the third time we bark “Put on your shoes, we are going to be late!” Parents are apt to make the distortion: if they really wanted to listen, they would. This is simply not the case. ADHD cannot be willed away or parented away.
ADHD kiddos also might not listen the first time because they have trouble processing your words. Sometimes, even as an ADHD adult, I need someone to repeat a question twice because my brain doesn’t parse it correctly.
Our kiddos need us to offer accommodations. We may accept that asking twice or three times is the norm, or we may learn to word our requests more simply. Instead of “Put on your shoes, we are going to be late!” try “Shoes.” With younger children, parents may need to get down on their level and make eye contact when giving a request or command.
Eliminating these common phrases from your parenting might be a tall order. Strive for “good enough.” I only hope to put a spotlight on how mainstream parenting does not fit with neurodiverse kiddos. Awareness is always the first step to change.
