ADHD Parenting: Letting Go of the Little Stuff
Many parents of ADHD children end up in countless conflicts with their children over relatively minor issues. I primarily work with tweens and early teens, whose offenses are of the type: not hanging up their jacket, making a huge mess with their art, or arriving (late) to school without brushing their hair. While frustrating (especially the tardy!), none of these minor incidents constitute what I would label defiance.
Children with ADHD also have trouble shifting from what they are doing to what is being asked of them. This behavior is also not defiant, but rather represents an impaired ability to self-control.
Mostly, these common minor behaviors are due to a child’s inattentiveness, impulsivity, and lack of sense of time. ADHDers usually have a broken internal clock (hence the chronic lateness!) and also have trouble delaying gratification.
Parents, however, can view these actions as intentional and defiant. “I’ve told you so many times and you still don’t do it!” -- an unfortunate phrase I hear in family therapy.
When parents assign intent to non-intentional acts, a parent/child battle can escalate quickly.
I urge parents to reframe their child’s behaviors in the context of their ADHD and put compassion first. While some ADHD kiddos also have the dual-diagnosis of ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), most young ADHD kids are more distracted than defiant.
Constant disagreements and negative comments can really damage a growing ADHDer’s self-esteem. Unfortunately, it also damages a child’s trust in their parent.
A child who is overly criticized feels less close to their family and can feel more comfortable being deceptive or defiant of their parents as they grow older.
Parents coming to parenting therapy at South Boulder Counseling are challenged to reprioritize their interactions with their children.
The parent/child bond comes first.
A healthy family connection lays the groundwork for parents to be therapeutic teachers to their children. If this bond is damaged by high-conflict or high-criticism, our ADHD kiddos start to tune us out.
Worse yet, children can give up on the idea that they will ever make their parents happy, and no longer try.
So the next time you see a dirty dish in the bathroom or find your child running late (again), take a deep breath and ask yourself “Is this my child’s ADHD?” Sometimes simply noticing when behavior is symptomatic of the disorder helps build empathy. Above all, do not take your child’s foibles personally.
ADHD parenting is all about patience and trusting the process. We also need to trust our children -- trust that they care about us and are not trying to frustrate or disappoint us. Trust that our children are sometimes struggling and learning to cope with their brain difference. Trust that with love and science, our children will grow and succeed.
