ADHD kids (and adults!) thrive in a regular structure. Hours of openness can give a sense of discomfort to ADHD people, who often hate being bored. While neurotypical people might feel empowered to make healthy choices with big swaths of free time, ADHDers can feel stuck. We can feel paralyzed by all the possibilities, and instead do nothing. Or, we flit between one task and the other with no direction.

CBT teaches us that thoughts, especially anxious thoughts, can be unraveled and examined. Just because you feel something, does not mean it is real. As parents, we can grow and adapt to our neurodiverse kids and learn to bend rather than buckle under the daily stressors of ADHD parenting.

Sometimes we parents are intentional, thoughtful, and attuned. Other times, our brains are scattered with the multiple demands of modern parenting. We are putting away dishes, on hold with the insurance company, and trying to remember when we last checked “Infinite Campus” for our kiddos missing assignments… and these common and unhelpful phrases slip out.

Here are the parenting phrases that I hope ADHD parents (including myself) avoid:

Constant disagreements and negative comments can really damage a growing ADHDer’s self-esteem. Unfortunately, it also damages a child’s trust in their parent. A child who overly criticized feels less close to their family and can feel more comfortable being deceptive or defiant of their parents as they grow older.

Parents coming to parenting therapy at South Boulder Counseling are challenged to reprioritize their interactions with their children.

The parent/child bond comes first.

ADHDers can suffer from negative distortions, especially coming from the core belief that we are not worthy and capable. Many of us developed this core belief in childhood, when we were consistently told that “if only you tried harder…”, “you have so much potential but you don’t pay attention,” or the brutal “how come you can’t just do what I ask?”

As adults, we find ourselves chastising ourselves, taking on this critical voice as our own. While we know we have ADHD, some part of us still believes that if we tried harder and paid more attention, we could make it OK. We still blame ourselves harshly for our mistakes.

At South Boulder Counseling, I help children process and understand their anger utilizing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

CBT helps us see what underlying distortions might be triggering our anger and anxiety reactions.

That way, ADHD kiddos don’t have to rely on faulty impulse controls to keep them out of trouble -- when the negative distortions are happening less and less, anger management will naturally follow.

I am an extremely ADHD positive therapist. It helps to be a high functioning ADHD adult with 7 (!!) brilliant ADHD family members. It also helps to run a therapy practice where I get to meet so many incredible kids with ADHD. I genuinely believe ADHD is one of my superpowers and I wouldn’t actually “cure” it given the chance. I make sure my clients also recognize their strengths and learn to celebrate and love all parts of themselves.

Even if we know that natural messiness is part of the brain chemistry of an ADHD kiddo, parents tend to add more negative meanings to the mess. Parents catastrophize, magnify, and personalize those dirty clothes on the floor.

As CBT teaches us, our thoughts provoke our emotions. Parents aren’t just concerned about the (fixable) mess anymore -- our cognitive distortions cause all these other darker emotions to come flooding in. After having these negative cognitions, parents can feel hopeless, stressed, and sometimes angry.

Parents ask me -- why does my child overreact when I interrupt them? Parents, rightly, point out that the child is always interrupting them.

Exercise doesn’t just make ADHD kids feel good, it also has been proven to reduce symptoms! ADHD kids have increased focus, motivation, and emotional regulation after a movement break. Some ADHD kids report that a great outdoor recess feels like getting a dose of the right medication.