Help, my ADHD kiddo’s room is a disaster! (And she hates to clean)
A common feature of both inattentive and hyperactive ADHD is a messy bedroom. As a clinician, I had already heard/seen this complaint enough times that I actually submitted a photo of my daughter’s dresser as part of her ADHD diagnostic evaluation.
Even if we know that natural messiness is part of the brain chemistry of an ADHD kiddo, parents tend to add more negative meanings to the mess. Parents who were raised in a stricter time may think “She can’t even take care of this small area. When I was her age..” Parents who deeply value hard work may see a messy room as laziness. Over-functioning parents, which means parents that tend to take on responsibilities that aren’t their own, may clean it up themselves and then be crestfallen 3 hours later when the room is a disaster again. These parents might snap “But I JUST cleaned it, don’t you value my work?”
Parents catastrophize, magnify, and personalize those dirty clothes on the floor.
As CBT therapy teaches us, our thoughts provoke our emotions. Parents aren’t just concerned about the (fixable) mess anymore -- our cognitive distortions cause all these other darker emotions to come flooding in. After having these negative cognitions, parents can feel hopeless, stressed, and sometimes angry.
An ADHDer’s mess can actually be anxiety-provoking for the kiddos as well. Our child can feel like their bedroom is a fight or parent lecture waiting to happen.
Messiness can feel like a natural state for an ADHD kiddo, a home page to which they unconsciously always return. But it doesn’t feel good.
ADHDers know they are disorganized and likely to lose things. A messy room can make kids feel even more out of control. ADHDers also appreciate the beauty of a clean bedroom and like to have favorite clothes ready to wear, rather than balled up under a bed.
The solution?
1) Empathetic but clear expectations from caregivers.
2) A prominently displayed checklist with small, accomplishable bedroom chores.
3) A short, routine time every night to clean their bedroom.
4) Measurable and attainable cleanliness goals that are supported by incentives.
Once again, it is worth repeating: messiness is a natural symptom of ADHD. Without many slots in their working memories, ADHD kiddos put down one thing and pick up another without remembering to follow through and put that first thing away. Impulsivity can cause a child to toss something quickly towards the trash, rather than carefully place it inside. Hyperactivity can create a tornado of a mess even from a small art project. ADHD kids with inattention may zone out simple directions and not even grasp what chore was being requested.
When parents fully accept that the messy bedroom is their child’s scattered but beautiful brain, they may begin to let go of their emotional reactions.
Parents might develop a fuller empathy and offer scaffolding support (without over-functioning and taking on the mess themselves). When parents move away from blaming and shaming, they may more naturally focus on teaching and supporting.
When we are no longer flooded ourselves, it becomes easier for us to keep our children emotionally grounded. We can then help our child focus on the relatively simple and sometimes satisfying work of cleaning.
