Chasing "Perfect"- How "Type A" and ADHD can intersect

Perfectionism is not typically characterized as a disorder, but rather a personality characteristic that can (best case scenario) manifest as healthy striving.  Nonetheless, many perfectionists report being unhappy because their unreasonable expectations lead to disappointments.  Excessive effort is tiring.  Trying to always be in control can easily spiral into anxiety. Perfectionism is also a risk factor for eating disorders, depression, and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  

In some cases, perfectionism can be a strange bedfellow to ADHD. 

ADHD perfectionism is why this blog post sat for weeks as a nearly blank document. I did everything else on my to-do list before I confronted writing about this very sensitive dimension of ADHD life.  I am not alone.  

Many ADHDers report that wanting something to be perfect keeps them from actually starting harder projects.  

Perfectionism and procrastination can look like one and the same.  

On other occasions, we can start a project, feel overwhelmed and self-sabotage.  An incomplete project cannot be imperfect.   

While working on this blog post, I reached out to a large ADHD support group in an informal survey about perfectionism.  I was curious to hear others describe this phenomenon -- beyond the anecdotes of my own life and therapy clients.  The response overwhelmed me.  

Hundreds of comments poured in from ADHDers who struggled with the cross-section of ADHD and perfectionism.  

Many attributed their perfectionism to being constantly criticized for “mistakes” as children, and trying to make it in a neurotypical world where our difference receives little empathy. 

Desperate not to be labeled “sloppy,” “careless,” or simply “bad,” these ADHDers say that they learned very early on that pushing themselves to go above and beyond can compensate for our brain difference.  

Some of us were so obsessive in our perfectionism that we went well into adulthood without receiving a diagnosis. 

A drawing by a 10-year-old with ADHD who is noticing her tendencies towards perfectionism.

From the outside, no one could tell what toll it took on us to keep it up.

Other ADHDers attribute their negative self-image to their perfectionism.  For years, these ADHDers have tried to forcibly hold themselves to the rigidity of perfect when we are wired to be spontaneous, creative, and passion-driven.  

ADHDers can suffer from negative distortions, especially coming from the core belief that we are not worthy and capable.  Many of us developed this core belief in childhood, when we were consistently told that “if only you tried harder…”, “you have so much potential but you don’t pay attention,” or the brutal “how come you can’t just do what I ask?”

As adults, we find ourselves chastising ourselves, taking on this critical voice as our own.  While we know we have ADHD, some part of us still believes that if we tried harder and paid more attention, we could make it OK.  We still blame ourselves harshly for our mistakes.  

Perfectionism can be a temporary bandage to these distortions (when we are successful!).  More often, perfectionism reinforces our disappointment in ourselves.  

As I raise my ADHD daughters, I must confront how my own high expectations can be pushing them into patterns of perfectionism.  I wish to show them that perfect can get in the way of good.  But only by modeling self-love in imperfection can I truly guide them away from this toxic inheritance. 

For my daughters and my young therapy clients, I dearly hope to unlock a lifetime of self-compassion and the freedom of “good enough.”