Let’s Destigmatize Anger for our ADHD Kiddos
A child’s anger can be uncomfortable, frustrating, sometimes even scary! However, did you also know that, especially for ADHD kiddos, their own anger can be shocking and distressing?
A 10-year-old ADHDer’s rendition of her amygdala hijack.
This is because ADHDers have trouble controlling impulses. Sometimes our bodies and mouths can outpace our thinking brains. In order to think of the consequences of acting on anger, we need the thinking brain to take back control from the reactive amygdala. ADHD impairs these neurological connections and we are often left with chronic emotional impulsivity and, often, explosions of anger.
As an ADHD parent, the first step is to let go of the stigma around anger. After a child is angry, it is easy to retort with our own anger. Most parents get triggered ourselves. We may feel comfortable shaming and blaming and even yelling -- since the child started it!
Not only is this poor modeling for the child in terms of emotional equanimity, but it is also piling on. Usually, ADHD children already feel horrible when they are out of control and enraged. If our children were weeping, we would console them.
For kiddos, anger is just another form of emotional dysregulation (like intense sadness) that also deserves soothing and love.
Reacting angrily to an ADHD kiddo’s anger can really hurt their self-esteem. It breaks my heart when elementary-age ADHD kids come to my office already believing that they are “bad.” Many children get ostracized at school and overly criticized at home for their impulse anger.
A negative self-image can be self-reinforcing. An early childhood label of “bad” can stick.
Of course, we still must guide our ADHD children towards self-control around anger. When our kiddos are back in their prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) and have had a cold glass of water and maybe some fresh air, it is important to circle back to the incident. We must reinforce what are acceptable and unacceptable ways of displaying anger.
We can enforce a predictable consequence without shaming. We can express tolerance and appreciation for the emotions, without condoning the angry act or words.
Furthermore, we can help our kiddos get stronger at emotional impulsivity with time! Proven tools are meditation, mindfulness, breathing, aerobic exercise, and journaling/talking about stressors.
At South Boulder Counseling, I help children process and understand their anger utilizing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
CBT helps us see what underlying distortions might be triggering our anger and anxiety reactions.
That way, ADHD kiddos don’t have to rely on faulty impulse controls to keep them out of trouble -- when the negative distortions are happening less and less, anger management will naturally follow.
